Put it on the Damn Calendar…

Let’s be honest — the idea of scheduling sex sounds about as romantic as scheduling a dental cleaning.

Most couples roll their eyes when I suggest it.
“Seriously, Xanet? You want us to put sex on the calendar? Should we also set a reminder to brush our teeth while we’re at it?”

But here’s the thing: if you’re like most couples I work with, you’re juggling full plates — kids, work, aging parents, the never-ending to-do list. You collapse into bed exhausted, not turned on. And if you’re waiting for sex to just happen spontaneously… you might be waiting a long, long time.

The Myth of Spontaneity

We’ve all been sold a very specific story about “good sex.”
It’s supposed to be spontaneous. Passionate. Sweeping. The moment your eyes meet across the kitchen table, the universe aligns, and you just know.

I’ve always known this is a myth but until recently did not have the facts to support it. Then I happened to be going through my emails and saw that the wonderful podcaster Dan Savage had a researcher on his show to address the myth. I was all ears..

Dr. Amy Muise, Psychology and Research Chair in Relationships and Sexuality at York University, proved that story doesn’t really hold up.

Her recent study in the Journal of Sex Research looked at how couples perceive spontaneous versus planned sex. The findings?

While most people believe spontaneous sex is more satisfying, the data shows it actually isn’t.

In daily-diary studies of over two hundred couples, Muise and her team found no significant difference in satisfaction between spontaneous and planned sex. What mattered wasn’t when it happened — it was the quality of connection, communication, and intention behind it.

In other words: your brain might say, “spontaneous = sexy,” but your body and relationship might disagree.

Why Spontaneity Can Be Overrated

Spontaneity can be fun — it adds excitement and surprise. But for many long-term couples, waiting for spontaneous desire to magically appear is like waiting for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Spontaneous sex thrives on novelty, newness, and opportunity — all things that naturally fade over time. Planned intimacy, on the other hand, creates intentional space for desire to re-emerge.

Think about it: when you plan a vacation, you don’t complain that it’s “too scheduled” to be fun. You anticipate it. You imagine the beach, the food, the adventure. By the time you get there, you’re already in the mood to enjoy it.

The same can be true for sex.

Creating a New Paradigm for Sex

In Chapter 8 of my new book, The Sex & Intimacy Repair Kit, (which you can pre-order now) I talk about “Creating a New Paradigm for Sex.”

This is where I say — and I quote myself here — “Put it on the damn calendar.”

Why?
Because sex in long-term relationships doesn’t thrive on chance — it thrives on attention.

When you schedule intimacy, you’re not killing the spark; you’re protecting it. You’re saying to your partner, “Our connection matters. Our pleasure matters. We matter.”

It’s about reclaiming agency over your sexual life rather than leaving it to random circumstance. Planning sex is an act of self-responsibility — and an act of love.

From Obligation to Anticipation

Now, let’s address the elephant in the bedroom:
What if scheduled sex starts to feel like a chore?

That happens when you treat it like another item on your to-do list instead of something to look forward to. The key is to turn obligation into anticipation.

Here’s how:

Create a sexy ritual around it. Send each other sexy texts the a few days before. Light candles, take a shower together, put on music, or use a shared playlist. Build arousal before you even touch each other.
Keep it flexible. Scheduling intimacy doesn’t mean you have to do it every Thursday at 9 p.m. on the dot. It means you’ve carved out sacred time — and if desire shifts, you can still choose what feels right in the moment.
Talk about it. Let each other know what you’re craving, what you’re nervous about, what you’d like to try. Anticipation is half the fun.
Start with connection, not performance. You don’t have to “go all the way.” Sometimes it’s cuddling naked, eye gazing, or slow touch that leads to something deeper.

When couples stop equating “scheduled sex” with “boring sex,” everything changes.

The Science of Anticipation

Another thing Dr. Muise’s research highlights is that satisfaction is tied more to perceived connection than spontaneity itself. That means what you believe about your sexual experience — the mindset you bring into it — shapes how satisfying it feels.

Anticipation is a huge part of that.

When you know that intimacy is coming (pun intended), your body starts preparing — your dopamine levels rise, your imagination kicks in, and your nervous system begins to associate your partner with pleasure again.

So instead of seeing planning as “pressure,” see it as foreplay that lasts all week.

A Real-World Example

One couple I worked with — let’s call them Mark and Elena — hadn’t had sex in over a year. Between kids, demanding jobs, and resentment about household chores, intimacy had taken a backseat.

When I suggested scheduling time for sex, they both laughed. “We barely have time to sleep!”
But they agreed to try it — Friday nights after the kids’ bedtime.

The first few weeks felt awkward. They joked about it being “sex night.” But after a while, something shifted. They began flirting during the day. Elena sent playful texts. Mark started lighting candles before she got home. The anticipation reignited desire — and they started wanting sex again, rather than feeling guilty for not having it.

Scheduling didn’t kill their spark. It created it.

Redefining What “Sex” Means

When I talk about putting it on the calendar, I don’t just mean intercourse. I mean scheduling intimate connection.

That could be:

A sensual massage
Naked cuddling
A slow kissing session
Sharing fantasies
Or simply lying in each other’s arms breathing together

The goal isn’t to make sex another obligation — it’s to make intimacy a priority.

Because here’s the truth: couples who make time for physical and emotional connection report greater overall satisfaction, stronger trust, and more resilience when life gets hard. Planning intimacy becomes a way to nourish the relationship rather than just maintain it.

Dismantling the Shame

Part of the reason so many people resist scheduling sex is because we’ve been conditioned to see “good sex” as spontaneous, wild, and effortless. Anything else must mean we’ve lost the magic.

But what if we let go of that story?

What if great sex — especially in long-term relationships — is built, not found?
What if it’s the result of conscious attention, honest communication, and a willingness to experiment?

Planning sex isn’t a sign that your relationship is broken. It’s a sign that you care enough to tend to it.

The Invitation

So here’s my invitation to you:

This week, put intimacy on your calendar.
Make it a date — not a duty.

And when that time comes, approach it with curiosity rather than expectation.
Ask: What would feel good tonight? What would help us reconnect?

Sometimes that will lead to hot, passionate sex. Sometimes it will lead to laughter, tears, or simply lying together in peace. All of it counts.

Because when you choose connection — intentionally and consistently — you’re creating a new paradigm for sex. One that honors your real life, not the Hollywood version. One that’s sustainable, nourishing, and deeply human.

So yes, my friends…
Put it on the damn calendar.
You might just find that planned sex becomes the most satisfying sex of all.