Busting the Myths Around Sex: Orgasms Are Not the Goal

Why chasing the climax can actually kill your connection—and what to focus on instead.

If you think orgasm is the goal of sex, then you’re putting not only undue pressure on yourself and your partner but missing the bigger picture.

Somewhere along the line, we turned sex into a competitive sport with one very clear finish line: orgasm. We measure “good sex” by how many, how fast, how often.

But here’s the truth (and yes, the research backs this up): sex that’s focused solely on orgasm often leaves both partners feeling less connected, less satisfied, and ironically—less likely to climax.

The Research Says Otherwise

A fascinating 2024 study in the Journal of Sex Research—Beyond Orgasm: Subjective Measures of Sexual Fulfillment(Jordan et al., 61(2), 101–119)—found that many couples rate emotional connection, sensual touch, playfulness, and laughter as more fulfilling than climax.

Even more interesting: couples who reported a higher sense of emotional intimacy also reported more frequent orgasms.

In other words, orgasm wasn’t the goal—it was the byproduct of feeling safe, open, and connected.

So, when I hear people say, “We just need to have more sex,” my first question is always:
“Do you actually feel emotionally close to your partner?”

Because research from the Kinsey Institute and Gottman Institute shows the same thing: emotional connection is the greatest predictor of sexual satisfaction.

Why We’ve Been Trained to Chase the Finish Line

Our culture has done a number on us.
We’ve been conditioned—through porn, media, and even well-meaning sex education—to believe that orgasm = success.

It’s the Hollywood model of sex: fast, friction-based, fireworks…
And if that’s not your reality (spoiler: it’s not most people’s), you start to feel like you’re doing it wrong.

This “goal-oriented” mindset triggers performance anxiety for both partners:

Am I taking too long?
Why can’t I orgasm like I used to?
Is my partner disappointed?

Once you’re in your head, you’re out of your body—and desire shuts down.

What Actually Creates Fulfilling Sex

So, what does the research—and years of working with couples—say actually matters?

Presence.
When you stop trying to “get somewhere,” you can actually be somewhere.
Slow down. Feel. Breathe.
Touch each other without the agenda of turning it into intercourse.
Emotional Safety.
Desire thrives when we feel seen and accepted.
That means clearing the emotional debris—resentment, unspoken tension, judgment—that keeps us armored.
As I say in my retreats: Vulnerability is sexy
Curiosity and Play.
Some of the most connected sexual experiences come from couples who approach intimacy with curiosity rather than expectation.
Try new sensations, explore fantasies, laugh when things get awkward. Pleasure doesn’t have to be serious business.
Sensual Connection.
Expand your definition of “sex.”
Explore massage, breathwork, or mutual touch practices where orgasm isn’t the end goal—it’s just one possible expression of connection.

Reframing the Goal

So, what if the goal of sex wasn’t orgasm, but connection?
What if your barometer for success was how close you feel, how open your heart is, how deeply you’re able to relax into one another?

When orgasm becomes the reward for connection instead of the requirement for it, something shifts.
Your nervous system relaxes.
You start to feel again.
And ironically… pleasure flows more freely.

As one of my favorite teachers, Dr. Betty Dodson, used to say:

“When you stop trying so hard to have an orgasm, you start having better ones.”

Try This: The 20-Minute Connection Practice

Here’s a simple exercise I often give couples (and it’s one you’ll find in The Sex & Intimacy Repair Kit):

Set a timer for 20 minutes.
During that time, focus on pleasure without a goal.

You can:

Explore full-body touch.
Use breath to connect.
Focus on eye contact, synchronized breathing, or just holding each other.

The only rule?
No trying to “make something happen.”

After the timer goes off, take turns sharing what felt good, what surprised you, and one thing you appreciated about your partner.
This isn’t about arousal. It’s about attunement.

Why This Matters

When couples release the pressure to perform, they open the door to something much more powerful: intimacy.
Because intimacy isn’t about fireworks—it’s about presence, safety, and vulnerability.

I’ve watched couples on the brink of separation fall back in love simply by slowing down and redefining what sex means to them.
When the focus shifts from “Did you come?” to “Did we connect?”, everything changes.

If You Want to Go Deeper

Here are a few great reads that echo this research and philosophy:

Come As You Are — Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
Mating in Captivity — Esther Perel
She Comes First — Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent — Betty Martin
Living an Orgasmic Life — yours truly

And of course, stay tuned for my new book The Sex & Intimacy Repair Kit — it’s full of practices like this that help couples create connection first, pleasure second.

Final Thought

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting orgasm. It’s beautiful, healthy, and powerful.
But when we make it the point of sex instead of one of its many expressions, we shrink the experience of intimacy down to a single act.

When we make connection the goal, everything expands — desire, pleasure, and yes, orgasm too.

So next time you’re in bed, maybe skip the finish line and see what happens when you just… be.