How to Trust Your Partner When You See Things Differently
I’ve spent years helping couples communicate better, navigate their differences, and learn how to trust each other, basically, how to trust your partner.
And then, at the age of 66, I decided to start a new business with my romantic partner.
Because apparently, I needed a little more excitement in my life!
How to Trust Your Partner When Your Partner Sees a Driveway and All You See Is an Eight-Foot Drop-Off
If you’ve been following my journey, you know that Daren and I are launching Love & Libations, a mobile bar business built around a gorgeous vintage Airstream trailer that we’re transforming into a sophisticated cocktail bar and photo lounge.
It’s been an adventure, to say the least.
There have been hundreds of decisions to make, unexpected expenses, logistical nightmares, and more than a few moments when I’ve wondered what on earth we’ve gotten ourselves into.
And along the way, I’ve been reminded of something I teach couples all the time.
Just because your partner sees the world differently than you do doesn’t mean they’re wrong.
Sometimes they can see something you can’t.
Literally.
The Driveway That Didn’t Exist (How to Trust Your Partner)
One of the many challenges we faced was figuring out where to keep our Airstream once the renovation was finished.
We needed a place where Daren could work on it, where we’d have access to electricity, and where we could easily load and unload all the supplies needed to run a mobile bar business.
So we started looking at RV storage facilities.
Simple enough, right?
Wrong.
Most wouldn’t allow us to work on the trailer while it was stored there. Many didn’t have electricity. And the one place that could accommodate our needs wanted an outrageous amount of money.
We were running out of options.
And then Daren came up with what seemed to me like a completely crazy idea.
“Why don’t we just build another driveway?”
Now, you have to understand something about our property.
The area he was talking about wasn’t a driveway. It wasn’t even remotely close to being a driveway.
It was an eight-foot drop-off filled with large trees and brush.
I looked at it and saw a steep slope, a massive construction project, and yet another huge expense.
Daren looked at the exact same piece of land and saw a perfectly good place to park a 26-foot Airstream.
All we needed, according to him, was about ten dump truckloads of dirt and gravel, someone who knew how to grade the land, and a little ingenuity.
Oh, is that all?
Enter the Lawyer
Now, if you know me, you probably know that I spent the first part of my professional life as a litigation attorney.
And although I haven’t practiced law in decades, the lawyer in me is alive and well.
I question things.
I challenge assumptions.
I want to know what could go wrong, how much something will cost, and whether we’ve considered all the alternatives.
So when Daren proposed turning an eight-foot drop-off into a driveway, you can imagine my reaction.
How is that even possible? What about drainage? How much dirt would we need? What if it doesn’t work? And how much is this latest brilliant idea going to cost us?
I had questions.
Lots of questions.
Daren, meanwhile, could already see the finished driveway.
And here’s the thing.
Daren has an extraordinary ability to visualize physical space. He understands construction, landscaping, grading, and how things fit together in ways that I simply don’t.
He’s a natural problem solver, especially when it comes to anything involving building or fixing things.
I bring a completely different set of skills to our partnership. I’m the strategist, the marketer, the person who sees the big picture and asks the hard questions.
Both skill sets are valuable.
But sometimes my need to question everything can get in the way of recognizing that the person standing next to me actually knows more about something than I do.
Imagine that!
And Then There Were the Trees
Of course, there was one other small complication.
Trees. Lots of trees.
Not little saplings, mind you. We’re talking about trees that were 40 feet tall, standing right where our imaginary driveway was supposed to go.
And Daren’s solution?
He was going to cut them down himself.
Now, fortunately for both of us, I happened to be out of town the weekend he decided to tackle this particular project.
Which was probably a very good thing.
Because I later learned that at one point he was standing on a 15-foot ladder with a chainsaw, cutting down those enormous trees.
A FIFTEEN-FOOT LADDER. WITH A CHAINSAW.
Let’s just say that if the former litigation attorney had been home, this project might never have gotten off the ground.
Daren, by the way, loves his chainsaw and pole saw. Give that man a tree that needs trimming and he’s a happy camper.
And I have to admit, the unexpected bonus of all this tree removal is that we now have more sunlight on our property than we’ve had in years.
There are apparently more trees on his list, although thankfully, those have nothing to do with the driveway.
But by the time I returned home, the trees were down, Daren was in one piece, and we were one step closer to making his vision a reality.
When Questioning Becomes Resisting (How to Trust Your Partner)
Here’s where I think this story gets interesting from a relationship perspective.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with questioning your partner’s ideas. It’s part of learning how to trust your partner.
In fact, when you’re making significant financial decisions together, asking questions is essential.
But there’s a subtle difference between asking questions because you genuinely want to understand something and asking questions because you’re uncomfortable with an idea you can’t envision yourself.
And I think many of us struggle with that distinction.
We get so attached to our own way of seeing things that we have trouble recognizing another perspective.
We mistake our uncertainty for evidence that something won’t work.
Or we keep pushing back, not because our partner’s idea is necessarily flawed, but because it’s not how we would have approached the problem.
I see this dynamic all the time in my work with couples.
One partner has an idea, a desire, or a way of approaching something that feels completely foreign to the other.
And instead of getting curious, the other partner starts building a case against it.
Suddenly, they’re no longer working together to solve a problem.
They’re trying to prove who’s right.
Sound familiar?
Learning to Trust and Admire Your Partner
How to trust your partner? One of the things I’ve come to appreciate about my relationship with Daren is that we have very different strengths.
And those differences can be a tremendous asset when we allow them to be.
But that requires something that doesn’t always come naturally to strong, independent people.
The willingness to say, “You know more about this than I do, and I’m going to trust your judgment.”
That doesn’t mean giving up your voice or blindly agreeing to everything your partner suggests.
It means recognizing that a healthy partnership isn’t about both people being equally knowledgeable or equally capable in every area.
It’s about respecting what each person brings to the table.
And sometimes, it’s about knowing when to stop cross-examining the witness!
So I asked my questions. We talked through the logistics. And ultimately, I trusted Daren’s vision.
And last week, after approximately ten dump truckloads of dirt and gravel, that eight-foot drop-off became a driveway.
An actual driveway.
Right on our property, with easy access to Daren’s tool shed and all the supplies we’ll need to run our new business.
I have to admit, I’m pretty impressed.
But there’s something else this experience reminded me of.
How important it is to continue admiring the person you love.
We spend so much time in relationships noticing what our partners don’t do, what they get wrong, or how they frustrate us.
But how often do we stop to appreciate what they’re really good at?
Their talents. Their creativity. Their resourcefulness. Their ability to approach the world in ways that are completely different from our own.
Watching Daren turn what looked like an impossible piece of property into something practical reminded me of how much I admire his ingenuity, determination, and ability to make things happen.
And admiration is an important part of keeping love alive.
The Bigger Lesson About Love (and how to trust your partner)
In long-term relationships, we often spend an enormous amount of energy trying to get our partners to think the way we do.
We want them to communicate like us, make decisions like us, approach problems like us, and sometimes even desire the same things we desire.
But what if some of the greatest opportunities for growth in our relationships come from learning to appreciate the ways we’re different?
What if, instead of immediately challenging something we don’t understand, we became curious about how our partner sees it?
What if we asked, “Help me understand what you’re envisioning,” rather than immediately explaining why it won’t work? That’s how to trust your partner.
This is especially important when it comes to emotional and sexual intimacy.
Our partners may experience desire differently than we do. They may need different things to feel safe, connected, or loved.
And when we approach those differences as problems to be fixed rather than experiences to be understood, we can create distance between us.
Curiosity, respect, trust, and admiration allow us to bridge those differences.
Not by becoming the same person, but by learning how to value the person we’re with.
After years of working with couples, and plenty of lessons from my own relationships, I’m convinced that one of the most important ingredients in a lasting partnership is the ability to recognize that two people can look at exactly the same situation and see something entirely different.
And both perspectives can have value.
Sometimes one person sees the obstacles.
The other sees the possibilities.
And together, they figure out how to build something neither could have created alone.
Even if that something happens to be a driveway. That’s how to trust your partner.
I’d love to hear from you.
Are you the person in your relationship who’s having a hard time on how to trust your partner asks a thousand questions before making a decision? Or are you the visionary who can see possibilities your partner can’t quite imagine?
And more importantly, have you learned how to appreciate those differences, or do they sometimes drive you crazy?
Hit reply and tell me. I’d genuinely love to know.
If you and your partner find yourselves caught in the same disagreements, struggling to understand each other’s perspectives, or feeling more like adversaries than teammates, my private couples intimacy retreats offer an opportunity to reconnect, communicate differently, and rediscover what makes your partnership work.
