Do Men Need Emotional Connection to Want Sex?
One of the biggest myths about men and sexuality is that men don’t need emotional connection to want sex.
After working with hundreds of couples over the years, I can confidently say that belief has caused enormous pain and misunderstanding in relationships.
But I have a confession to make. For over a decade, I have had a blind spot about men’s sexual desire. I have believed, and taught, that men’s sexual desire is vastly different than women’s.
Here are some of the statements that I have made which I must now take back.
Men are always ready for sex. Touch a man’s penis and he’s ready to go.
Women need emotional connection before sex. Men go to sex for emotional connection.
Men and Women express sexual desire in different ways.
My come to Jesus moment happened after devouring Sarah Hunter Murray’s new book, Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex and Relationships.
This researcher has upended much of the conventional wisdom about men’s sexuality by effectively challenging prior research and examining an overlooked area since 90% of research on sexual desire is about women. Here are some of the main findings:
- Men are groomed to be more interested in sex than women.
Much of this grooming is related to the way men are socialized from early on. Little boys need to touch their penis in order to pee and this act alone makes touching one’s genitals more acceptable for boys than it is for girls, whose only reason for touching themselves is to experience sexual pleasure.
Men are socialized to believe that their sex drives are supposed to be high, that they are always supposed to initiate, sexual gratification is their desired income, and sex without connection is normal.
- There are no significant gender differences in sexual behavior and sexual desire
According to Murray, the vast majority of sexual behavior research which shows gender differences (e.g. men with higher desire, men using more porn, men masturbating more frequently) is flawed since it is “self reported” and demonstrates the socialization bias. When participants were told their answers were being monitored by a lie detector attached to them, the gender differences completely disappeared.
- Both women and men equally experience low desire in long term relationships
In long term relationships, an equal number of women and men had low desire, busting the myth that low desire is primarily found in the female partner. However, Murray’s research also concluded that many men “missed” the signs that their partner was interested in sex. Women’s signals may be more subtle and they might be holding themselves back from openly showing their sexual desire.
- Physical looks are not what drives men’s sexual desire
Contrary to popular belief and pop culture, women’s physical appearance is not the end all and be all when it comes to men’s desire. What’s more important to men is a woman’s sense of comfort and confidence in herself regardless of her looks. Men are also driven by romance, intimate and emotional conversations and connections.
- Women’s pleasure is really men’s pleasure–it is not about their own sexual gratification.
Most men derive pleasure and satisfaction from their partner’s pleasure and that is a driving force in sexual relationships. This is an area that truly surprised me even though almost every man I’ve ever worked with has told me that all they want to do is please their partner. I’ve always assumed that is the male ego talking and while that might be a part of it, it is clearly not the whole truth.
This knowledge can also help ease women’s concerns about “taking too long” which is a common refrain from my female clients. Women need to learn to enjoy and accept all the pleasure that their partner offers.
On the other side, it is clear that men can tell when their partner is not enjoying sex and that kills the pleasure for them. Men would rather masturbate then have dispassionate sex with their partner.
- Why This Myth Harms Both Men and Women
The belief that men don’t need emotional connection to want sex can be incredibly damaging to relationships.
It creates a dynamic where women often feel objectified or pressured to provide sex, while men feel emotionally unseen and misunderstood.
Many men have been conditioned to suppress vulnerability and emotional needs from a very young age. They’re taught to “be strong,” avoid feelings, and derive much of their value from performance — including sexual performance.
As a result, many men don’t even realize how deeply emotional connection impacts their desire until the connection in the relationship begins to deteriorate.
I’ve worked with many couples in sexless or low-intimacy marriages where the male partner no longer desired sex, not because he wasn’t attracted to his partner, but because he felt emotionally disconnected, criticized, shut down, unseen, or unsafe in the relationship.
And yet many of these men carried enormous shame around that experience because culturally, we expect men to always want sex.
This myth hurts women too.
When women believe men only want physical release, they may stop recognizing the emotional vulnerability many men actually bring into intimacy. They may misinterpret withdrawal as lack of love or attraction, when underneath it may be emotional hurt, pressure, anxiety, resentment, or disconnection.
The truth is that for many men, sex is not just physical.
It’s often one of the primary ways they seek connection, affection, reassurance, validation, emotional closeness, and love.
And when emotional disconnection grows inside a relationship, sexual desire can diminish for men just as much as it can for women.
Emotional Safety Matters for Men Too
One of the biggest misconceptions I see in relationships is the idea that emotional safety only matters for women.
In reality, emotional safety matters deeply for men too.
Men may not always express it in the same way, but many men become emotionally and sexually shut down when they feel constantly criticized, rejected, controlled, emotionally unsafe, or like they can never “get it right” in the relationship.
Over time, this can create enormous pressure around intimacy.
I often see couples get caught in painful cycles where both partners are protecting themselves emotionally, while simultaneously longing for connection from each other.
The woman may feel emotionally abandoned and stop initiating affection because she no longer feels emotionally safe.
The man may feel chronically criticized or rejected and begin withdrawing emotionally and sexually to avoid feeling like a failure.
Eventually, both people feel alone.
This is why emotional connection and nervous system safety matter so much inside long-term relationships.
When couples feel emotionally safe with each other — when they feel accepted, appreciated, respected, and emotionally connected — desire naturally has more room to emerge.
Not because either partner is “performing” intimacy.
But because both people feel safe enough to soften, open, and truly connect again.
f you and your partner are struggling with emotional disconnection, mismatched desire, or feeling more like roommates than lovers, know that you’re not alone.
Many couples mistakenly believe the issue is simply about sex, when underneath it often lies a much deeper need for emotional safety, connection, understanding, and intimacy.
The good news is that these patterns can change.
When couples learn how to reconnect emotionally, communicate differently, and create greater safety and attunement within the relationship, intimacy often begins to shift naturally as well.
If this resonates with you, you can learn more about my work with couples through my private and group intimacy retreats, coaching programs, and my book, The Sex & Intimacy Repair Kit: How to Enhance Communication and Create a Lifetime of Passionate Intimacy.
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