The Truth About Masturbation in Relationships: Why Self-Pleasure Actually Deepens Intimacy

This week we’re  busting another myth around sex: Masturbation Harms Relationships

Why self-pleasure isn’t a betrayal—it’s a bridge to deeper intimacy

If there’s one topic that still manages to make couples squirm, it’s masturbation. It’s a word that can trigger instant awkwardness or defensiveness.

I’ve heard it all in my coaching sessions:

• “I found out my partner still masturbates. Am I not enough?”
• “I thought when we got married, that was supposed to stop.”
• “If he’s watching porn, is that cheating?”
• “If I touch myself, is it taking something away from us?”

Let’s clear the air: masturbation is not a threat to your relationship.
In fact, research shows it can be a powerful enhancer of intimacy and satisfaction—when it’s handled with openness and communication.

The Research: What the Science Says

A 2024 study in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy (Prause, N. et al., “Solitary and Partnered Sex Dynamics”) found that couples who both masturbate and talk openly about it report higher sexual satisfaction, more communication about needs, and lower infidelity rates.

Couples who normalize solo pleasure don’t drift apart—they stay more connected. When we feel safe enough to be honest about our sexual desires and habits, we create trust. And trust is the foundation of erotic freedom.

Why We’ve Been Shamed Into Silence

So, why does masturbation still carry so much baggage?

Blame centuries of moral panic, religious conditioning, and cultural double standards. For men, it’s often treated as normal teenage behavior. For women, it’s been shrouded in shame or erased altogether.

Add to that the fear many partners have—that masturbation means rejection—and you get a perfect storm of misunderstanding.

The truth is that solo pleasure and partnered pleasure are not competitors. They’re collaborators. Two different expressions of the same life force: desire.

For Women: Self-Pleasure as Reconnection

Many women have complicated relationships with their own desire. Years of putting everyone else’s needs first. Bodies that have been sexualized, judged, or ignored. It’s no wonder self-pleasure can feel foreign—or even wrong.

But when a woman begins to touch herself with presence and curiosity, she reconnects with her body’s wisdom. She learns what feels good and remembers that she has desire. That confidence and clarity come back into the relationship.

Masturbation isn’t taking energy away from the partnership—it’s bringing more energy in.

For Men: Let’s Talk About Performance Pressure

For men, masturbation can be both comfort and escape. It’s often the first (and sometimes only) space where men feel free from pressure—to please, to perform, to stay hard.

But when masturbation is shrouded in secrecy, guilt, or porn dependency, it can become disconnected from emotional intimacy.

The key isn’t to stop masturbating—it’s to make it conscious. To use it as a way to stay in touch with your body, not as a substitute for connection.

Pleasure without shame equals presence. And presence is what every partner really wants.

How Masturbation Can Actually Deepen Intimacy

Here’s how healthy solo pleasure can strengthen connection as a couple:

1. It reduces pressure. When both partners have permission to meet their own needs, sex becomes a choice, not a chore.
2. It expands communication. Talking about what turns you on opens new doors to play and understanding.
3. It builds body awareness. Knowing what feels good helps you guide your partner with confidence.
4. It keeps desire alive. Solo pleasure maintains connection to erotic energy through stress, travel, or mismatched libido.
5. It creates safety. When couples can be honest about self-pleasure, it removes the secrecy that breeds mistrust.

How to Talk About It Without Awkwardness

If this topic feels like walking into a minefield, start with curiosity, not accusation.

Ask questions like:

• “What did you learn growing up about masturbation?”
• “How do you feel about both of us having solo time?”
• “Is there anything you’d like to share about what turns you on?”

Avoid leading with “Why do you do it?” or “Don’t I satisfy you?”—those questions shut people down. Instead, open the door to understanding.

You might be surprised to find that your partner feels just as nervous about bringing it up. When you both normalize it, you create safety to explore other vulnerable topics too.

When Masturbation Becomes a Problem

Like anything, it can become unhealthy when it’s used to numb out, avoid connection, or escape emotional discomfort.

If solo pleasure starts feeling compulsive, secretive, or disconnected, that’s a sign something deeper needs attention—often stress, anxiety, or unspoken relational tension.

But even then, the solution isn’t to ban masturbation—it’s to get curious about what it’s soothing. Compassion and communication heal this far faster than shame ever will.

Try This: A “Solo Meets Shared” Practice

Here’s an exercise I often give to couples in my retreats:

Step 1: Each partner takes 15 minutes alone to self-pleasure with mindfulness. No porn, no fantasy, just breath and sensation.
Step 2: Afterwards, share one thing you noticed or appreciated about your experience. No need to overshare—just enough to connect.
Step 3: If it feels right, come together for gentle touch. No goal. No pressure.

This practice helps rewire the belief that solo pleasure and connection are mutually exclusive. They’re not. They’re different doors into the same room of intimacy.

Advanced Practice: Mutual Masturbation

Mutual masturbation where each partner masturbates in their partner’s presence (either taking turns or simultaneously). This provides a shared experience of pleasure, both the solo aspects and appreciating your partner’s experience of solo pleasure.  Also you might learn a thing or two…😋

And if you want to dive deeper into these conversations with guidance and support, explore my upcoming Couples Intimacy Retreats—safe, transformative spaces to repair communication, rebuild desire, and reawaken passion.

Final Thoughts

Masturbation isn’t the enemy of intimacy—it’s a mirror for it.
When we can meet ourselves with presence and pleasure, we bring more honesty, confidence, and generosity into our relationships.

So the next time the topic comes up, take a breath. Be curious. Talk about it.

Pleasure doesn’t divide you—it connects you.